Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

Trying for a family as a single parent?
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ElaineT
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Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#1 Post by ElaineT » Mon Dec 30, 2019 2:44 pm

I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I’m 35 (almost 36). I’d want to try IUI with a sperm donor. Do I just contact a clinic (have looked into the Care Fertility ones) there’s one local to me so it’d be ideal. How quick from contacting a clinic to actually having the iui would it happen? Is it months? Weeks? I’m also worried about having a counselling session. What if I said something wrong and they thought I wasn’t suitable for treatment?

Any info or advice would be welcome,thank you?

donnielime
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon May 27, 2019 1:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#2 Post by donnielime » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:39 pm

Hello Elaine,

I have had IVF with a donor through Care Nottingham and am nearly 12 weeks pregnant.

Are you on Facebook? There is a private group called 'The Stork and I Mum Tribe' with lots of us on it. Great to ask questions and get advice from other single mothers by choice. It is private so only the other members of the group can see who is a member.

If you contact Care you can go for a free chat about what treatment is on offer, costs etc, then you can book in for an initial consultation and scan to see how many follicles you have and get some advice from a consultant on what treatment would be best for you - this will cost you. From there you have to have various screening tests (which you can usually get done for free at your GP), then you can go on the donor waiting list or approach other clinics/ banks for donors. It can happen quite quickly. I had my initial consultation/ scan at the end of May, started my IVF drugs mid September and the rest is history (I was delayed a few weeks in August due to a holiday).

Re the counselling - it's not a case of passing a test. They talk to you about what the donors rights will be, how you will discuss the donor with the baby (there is an organisation called the Donor Conception Network which offer lots of advice), about you and your support network etc.

Good luck :) please get in touch if you have any more questions!
Donnie
me : single lady 40 - donor sperm
1st cycle - ICSI - Sept/Oct 2019 4 eggs, 2 fertilised, 2 3day embryos transferred = BFP <3
Due date 17/07/20

ElaineT
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#3 Post by ElaineT » Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:31 pm

Thank you for the advice. I think it’s definitely the way to go for me. I think just the thought of having so many tests and meeting different medical professionals just seems so scary right now. If I don’t start it this year then definitely in the near future.

Mcdowellray1
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Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2019 10:05 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#4 Post by Mcdowellray1 » Tue Jan 07, 2020 1:13 am

Hi Im starting out on the IVF journey myself!! Had consultation ( End Oct) and intial scan December bloods missed due to local surgery so will be completed on next period (Jan 19) . Then next steps donor match counselling etc at Nottingham. Scary journey but also exciting too!!

donnielime
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon May 27, 2019 1:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#5 Post by donnielime » Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:22 pm

Hello McDowellray

Great news! I found the Nottingham clinic amazing! Lovely caring staff! Exciting times! Have you joined The Stork and I Mum tribe Facebook group? It's really helpful to talk to other single mums! Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions about any stage!
me : single lady 40 - donor sperm
1st cycle - ICSI - Sept/Oct 2019 4 eggs, 2 fertilised, 2 3day embryos transferred = BFP <3
Due date 17/07/20

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#6 Post by RedF » Fri Jan 10, 2020 9:05 pm

Hi Elaine have you had more thoughts on next steps? I'm 36 and feel a bit like you that I need to look into things sooner rather than later. I've booked a scan and consultation in 2 weeks to check what my fertility is looking like (with Care Manchester)

ElaineT
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#7 Post by ElaineT » Sat Jan 11, 2020 2:49 pm

I haven’t booked anything as yet but I’m still thinking about it a lot. I think I’m just scared of getting things started.

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#8 Post by RedF » Sat Jan 11, 2020 3:21 pm

I totally get that, I'd been feeling the same for about 6 months. Then I thought that I'd book the fertility assessment just to find out roughly how long I have left (if any) then I can make a decision about whether to take the plunge or not.

It's constantly being torn between not sure if you feel ready/if you want to do anything now vs are my chances dwindling whilst I'm deciding isn't it? :roll:

ElaineT
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#9 Post by ElaineT » Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:43 pm

Fear is definitely holding me back. Wondering how I’d feel if it didn’t work for me or even how I’d feel if it did. Being scared of losing a pregnancy as well. Money worries. So many things. Being judged. I think I’m even worried about going to a clinic and being the only single person amongst couples.

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#10 Post by RedF » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:20 pm

Ugh yes money worries I keep putting those to the back of my mind :? I too am worried about the more than 50% chance of it not working and then what. Also I've recently seen so many of my friends struggle with lack of sleep with the newborn and they've all had partners to support them! But in the end I suppose I just think if it happens then it'll all work itself out :D

I wouldn't worry about the being judged part I think there'll be lots of different kinds of people in the clinic like surrogates, women just having the fertility assessment, guys donating sperm etc. I can let you know my experience in a couple of weeks anyway :)

donnielime
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon May 27, 2019 1:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#11 Post by donnielime » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:51 pm

Hello

Just to chip in, I never felt judged at the clinic and went alone to every appointment apart from egg collection. There were other ladies on their own, couples, same sex couples and ladies with what looked like their parents and friends but actually everyone is on their own journey and don't seem to pay attention to anyone else. The staff were just so welcoming, kind and caring.

Good luck!
me : single lady 40 - donor sperm
1st cycle - ICSI - Sept/Oct 2019 4 eggs, 2 fertilised, 2 3day embryos transferred = BFP <3
Due date 17/07/20

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#12 Post by RedF » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:59 pm

Good to know Donnie and congratulations on your pregnancy! How are you feeling?

ElaineT
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#13 Post by ElaineT » Sun Jan 12, 2020 12:51 am

The more I think about the more I feel like I do want it. I can even imagine myself with a little boy, I just feel somehow I’d have a boy. I’ve even got a name for a boy. I don’t know why I think this. Suppose just imagining what it would be like if everything was successful.

donnielime
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon May 27, 2019 1:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#14 Post by donnielime » Sun Jan 12, 2020 9:59 am

RedF wrote:
Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:59 pm
Good to know Donnie and congratulations on your pregnancy! How are you feeling?
Thanks Red :) I am good thanks, I had my 12 week scan last Wednesday so i was pleased to get that milestone out of the way. I totally understand the hesitation and anxiety that you and Elaine are talking about. I felt the same but also felt it was now or never. I started my process in May with a visit to Care for a free initial chat where they talk about treatment options/ costs etc. I was 39 (due to turn 40 in November). I then went for the paid consultation and discovered my chances were really low. I only had 2 follicles showing! The consultant advised me that although IVF would be the best option there was only about a 10% chance of success. I knew at that point I just needed to go for it or forever be wondering what might have happened, had I tried. My self-preservation tactic was to not tell anyone what I was planning. I just went for it alone, that way I didn't need to be answering constant questions from people about the treatment or face their sympathies if/when it didn't work. I appreciate some people feel they need the emotional support but I felt i needed to do it alone. Eventually I told one friend because I needed someone to take me to the egg collection appointment (you are not allowed to drive yourself home!). She has been an amazing reassurance. The staff at Care Nottingham were lovely throughout. I too wondered how i would feel if it didn't work and felt I was setting myself up for a fail! My 2 follicles increased to 4 after a long protocol treatment. 4 eggs were collected and 2 out of 4 fertilised and they both got put back. I was then petrified I would have twins and wouldn't be able to cope financially but came to the decision that twins were better than a lack of success. Anyway, to cut a long story short, both implanted but only one has grown. I eventually told my parents on Christmas Eve. I gave them a copy of the early scan photo and they were so shocked and are so excited. I have only told one further friend so far - seems weird saying the 'p' word and it still doesn't seem true. I know I have been incredibly lucky so far in this journey but what i am trying to say is, you don't know till you try. I had such a small chance of success due to few eggs but it's worked. Good luck with your journey!
me : single lady 40 - donor sperm
1st cycle - ICSI - Sept/Oct 2019 4 eggs, 2 fertilised, 2 3day embryos transferred = BFP <3
Due date 17/07/20

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#15 Post by RedF » Sun Jan 12, 2020 10:00 pm

What a wonderful story Donnie! Did you have ICSI and how is that different to just ivf?I'm glad you mentioned about your consultation and the staff. I initially requested to book just the fertility test but they rang me and said it would better to book the scan then a consultation with the doctor if I'm considering starting treatment straight after. It's over £500 just for that and the lady that rang me was a little bit pushy so I was worried that they were being a bit money-grabbing. The lady did say she thought it would be more cost effective the way she'd suggested. How many separate consultations with the doctor did you have through your journey? Have you suffered with sickness at all?

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#16 Post by RedF » Sun Jan 12, 2020 10:06 pm

Elaine isn't it funny I kind of picture a baby girl! I'm so interested to see what my scan shows. Even if it says there's no hope at least I can stop wondering!

RugbyChick82
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Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2020 5:52 pm
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Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#17 Post by RugbyChick82 » Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:57 pm

I had a look around a few clinics first but found that the Care facility in Bath was the only one that made me feel like it was all about me and what I wanted! One clinic just getting on going on about how my age was a big factor and I didn't want to wait because time was ticking. I'm 37 and I was a midwife so I'm well aware of all this... but I also know that I delivered lots of babies from women over 40! They also wanted to do lots of tests at lots of expense whereas with Care they said as I had no history of infertility and my only issue was I was unable to find a man worthy of me then there was no need to pay lots of extra money.

My Mum came with me to the open evenings and I never felt out of place, I met other couples and single women and it just felt like we were all in it together!

Good luck with your journey Elaine!

ElaineT
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#18 Post by ElaineT » Wed Jan 22, 2020 11:30 pm

The more and more I think about it the more I want it but I’m still scared of taking that next step which is to call the clinic (Care) and then I get doubts creeping in about whether it’s a good idea or not. I get scared thinking about going for the fertility tests and finding out something bad or going through everything and the treatment not working and how I’d feel. So many things scare me but I know I want a child. Guess I’m terrified of getting pregnant this way and losing it too.

RedF
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#19 Post by RedF » Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:11 am

You can book a free 121 with them Elaine - might be an idea for you so no pressure whilst you think about what you want to do x

ElaineT
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 7:47 pm

Re: Thinking of hopefully becoming a solo Mother using Sperm Donor...Questions..

#20 Post by ElaineT » Thu Jan 23, 2020 6:42 pm

RedF wrote:
Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:11 am
You can book a free 121 with them Elaine - might be an idea for you so no pressure whilst you think about what you want to do x
I know I need to make that phone call. I was thinking it would be a good idea to test my fertility anyway see if there are any problems.

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